Guilt

I’ve had an idea to do a post on this for a while, but it’s a little hard to put into words… well, it’s hard to put right. This is a very personal post and I think everyone will have a slightly different response. Please feel free to add your own experience and together I think we will grow in greater understanding, compassion and maybe acceptance. I expect in a few years when I look back at this, my perspective will once again change… that tends to be what happens with perspective right?! Take this as a snapshot of how I feel now – whether right or wrong. So anyway, here goes…

I felt tremendous guilt when we first found out about our son’s allergies. Not so much guilt of passing on annoying genes, but more the guilt that I had been basically poisoning my son by the food I ate, by the food I was giving him, by the creams I’d been using on him and the products I had been using myself that touched his skin. As you can tell, there was a tremendous amount of guilt there. This feeling of guilt comes back every time I give him food that doesn’t agree with his body. It comes back when I’ve become impatient and tried a few new foods quickly and am not sure which is the culprit.

For me, the source of guilt comes mostly from our son’s allergies. For others I imagine there is still guilt – guilt about returning to work or staying at home, guilt about being too soft or too strict. Guilt about letting him climb so high and not getting there in time to catch him, or guilt about not letting him explore the world the way he wants to. I did say “mostly” from our son’s allergies – as you can tell from that last spiel, there is guilt from other sources too! There are books that refer to a mother’s guilt, and I think it is something we feel in new ways when we become mums.

So is it good, bad or ugly?

Firstly, am I guilty? Well, I have to have done something wrong for the guilt to be valid. This is different from whether I did it intentionally or by accident. It’s a fact… did I feed him something bad? Did I do something wrong? Not did I mean to do it. In many cases, the answer is yes, I am guilty of doing something wrong, although I may not have intended it that way. In reality, we are all probably guilty of something.

But I’ve read that guilt is meant to be like a car wash. You feel it, then you need to go through it, not stay in it. If we can accept our own guilt then use it to move forward onto something better, or onto a new path, we can be thankful for the new path our guilt brings us to. How do we move forward? Well that’s a post for another time… but just in case it takes me too long, it does involve forgiveness and restoration. Stay tuned :-)

Massage Peril

"Happy Birthday Mummy" says my little boy as he enters our bedroom riding on his dad's back. No better way to start the day. My dear husband has booked a massage for me followed by a family lunch at a lovely cafe up in the nearby Dandenong Ranges.

I lie down on the massage table and then remember to ask the masseur whether by any chance they have any nut free oils. "We only have one type of oil - it is almond oil. I don't think that's a nut." What planet are you from?? I politely respond, "Um, yes, almond is a nut." It's not all their fault - thinking back, I should have brought my own sunflower oil or something - but who thinks of that? The last time I had a massage, they suggested I have a shower afterwards, and that was a lovely alternative. Anyway, with no shower on offer this time, I ask her not to massage my head or hair, and try and relax, and try again, and relax. I start debating whether we would call an ambulance or drive down the mountains ourself to the nearest hospital if there's an emergency. Best to call the ambulance - I've only got one epipen with me... Ok, try and relax again... Actually, the massage was lovely - nothing beats a good massage... well, it's definitely up there on my list at any rate.

When the massage is over I go to the bathroom and try wiping off some oil left on my neck and tie my hair differently to make it less likely my son will touch my hair. I wash my hands thoroughly with soap and am grateful it is a cold day so I have long sleeves on and don't need to worry about my arms. It's the best I can do... when hubbie and son come back to pick me up, of course the little guy wants to be picked up, wraps his arms around my neck and into my hair. Sigh.

By the time we're at lunch, he's got a red cheek, probably from remnants of almond (nut!) oil on my neck. I try wiping it off with some baby wipes. It's still red, I get another wipe. By the end of lunch, we've used close to 10 wipes. Everytime I inadvertently touch my neck or hair, I reach for another wipe. I'm sure the people on the next table think we're crazy... oh well.

When we get home and put the little boy to sleep, I'm finally able to take a good shower, scrub myself free of any nut oils, and wash all the clothes I was wearing. So there you have it, a birthday in the life of a mum with a son with multiple food allergies.

But it's the end of the day now, and on reflection, it really was a lovely day. Our son had no lasting rash, we had a lovely outing, I had a rejuvenating massage, and I am afterall surrounded by a loving loving family near and far away. Next time I just have to remember remember to bring my own massage oil and the whole day will be completely enjoyable. Or who knows, maybe next year our son will not have any more allergies... THAT will be a day of true rejoicing...

Gingerbread

We made this recipe together with our son. He loved mixing and making a mess, and also loved being able to lick the spoon well before anything had gone in the oven. 

We did decorate some with icing, but the sugar rush was quite intense, and let's just say we're not doing the icing anymore! We weren't that successful with rolling it out and using cookie cutters - simple shapes were OK, but anything more delicate didn't work. However, we did manage to make a rather bulky looking motorbike... it got eaten before I managed to take a photo. But be creative, and you'll have fun in the process!

125g Nuttelex

1/2C boiling water

1C golden syrup

3½C plain flour

1t bicarbonate soda

1½t ground ginger (check label to make sure no nut or sesame traces)

½t ground cinnamon (check label to make sure no nut or sesame traces)

½t salt

Melt butter in boiling water. Add golden syrup.

Sift dry ingredients together, add to wet mixture and beat till well combined.Wrap in plastic and refrigerate 30 to 60 mins.

Roll out dough onto slightly floured surface. Cut and shape to suit.

Don’t knead too much or else gingerbread becomes tough and chewy.

Bake in oven at 190deg C for 15 to 20 mins.

Remember they will not feel “done” until they are cool.

Adapted from “Fast Ideas – safe recipes for kids” published by Ilhan Food Allergy Foundation Ltd.